I am Woman
“I don’t know what to think,” my 30-something friend stated, not in bitterness or anger, but in seeking to understand. “The men in my office are constantly searching for reasons ‘why’ I’m not married.”
This.
This from someone in the corporate world who is more qualified in leadership, professionalism, work ethic, talent and emotional intelligence than many. I know because we worked side by side for several years. As a business owner, I’d trust her with anything, and I don’t say that lightly.
It wasn’t until a male colleague pointed out to her that this constant rumination about her status as a woman was insulting that she realized the implication, You’ll have value as a woman if and when you marry. On a male-dominated sales force, she was constantly undercut, cheated and even transferred to various departments. She started to notice a pattern: These actions would typically occur when a male was intimidated or felt insecure around her. She wasn’t valued because she was outside the box, competent and competitive with her male counterparts. Even her boss undermined her. She was seen as a tall, beautiful and graceful woman on the outside (that of course should attract a man to marry, right?), but she was not seen for her intelligence, competence, talent, or who she was on the inside.
The business world has been and still is male-dominated and male-driven. Everything from the mode of meeting conduct, leadership style, manner of dress to the style of curtains in the office is male-centered. No wonder women feel like they need to act like a man to be in business. But there is something about a woman in business with all her femininity of style, manner, compassion, nurturing and motherhood nature. A woman’s natural abilities are gifts for all walks of life—including business—and they shouldn’t be seen as weakness, downfall or disqualification from professionalism.
I remember the day I found out that my business mentor had started a male-only business mentorship group. I remember what it felt like when he didn’t return my calls. In a small city where everyone in business knew each other, I felt devastated. Exposed. Afraid, wondering, Have I done something wrong?
He had promised, “Vanessa, I’ll do anything to help make you successful,” and I had believed him. He had been a co-founder of one of the world’s ground-breaking companies in the 80s. But when my male business partner quit our niche-market publishing company because, he said, “I don’t want to work this hard on a relationship unless I’m married,” no one returned my calls—not my mentor, not any of the top-level male business leaders who had spoken at the business bootcamp I attended, nor any of the male investors. I had worked part-time as a writer for two years at a 49% ownership level with the promise that I would receive payment upon the publication of our first book project, Prosperity with Purpose. Except that my partner quit right after its release, never having implemented his six-page marketing and publicity plan. I never received monetary compensation for those two years of my life, though the learning curve was great. And I never received answers for why no one returned my calls. Perhaps I should have taken note that there had been no female leadership at the bootcamp. Perhaps the male leaders didn’t know what to do with me. Perhaps they never intended to follow through with their promises should I not be partnered with a man. Perhaps they never believed in me in the first place.
I had a difficult choice to make, Do I set my feelings aside and ‘man up’ to get the job done, or do I wallow in my feelings and declare that I had failed? Yet why do I—as a woman—even feel that my only two choices are to either “man up” or be crushed? How are we women supposed to find our way without just taking on the learned role of a man?
As if that wasn’t enough emotional pain to work through, three years later after I had decided to bootstrap my own publishing company, Red Arrow Media, and continue on my publishing journey, a male colleague went behind my back and offered our biggest client a deal. I found out this rumor, this apparent common knowledge, from another male client in passing after the aforementioned client had already decided to take the deal.
Having one client make up 70% of your income in business is a no-no, yet we were only three years in from bootstrapping without help, without aid, without investment or mentorship. And we hadn’t yet built up the infrastructure. The contracts with our biggest client weren’t strong enough. Partially because I was too naïve and new in business to know, and partially because there was trust and verbal agreements since the client had also been a personal mentor. While the former male colleague had broken California law by recruiting a client after having worked with me, whether or not I would win a lawsuit to retain my rights to book royalties remained 50-50. I decided to let go, but not without great difficulty. I plunged into deep depression (which is another story for another time), but you know what they say, that until you’ve been betrayed by a leader in your life, you won’t have the stamina to become a leader yourself.
I was devastated, again. This client boasts that he brought in so much cliental for us because of his name and platform. What he still fails to realize to this day is that when he left, he took our reputation with him. While prior to his departure I had unprecedented favor and opportunity within his affiliated organization, when he left, I had zero.
None.
Zip.
Not one client has come in from the same organization.
Again, for several years I questioned what I had done wrong. I had poured out my life, my time, my work at a discounted rate—all to help make this client successful. And when he became successful, he no longer needed me. Yes, we both made mistakes, but ultimately I believe he left due to what I call The Boys’ Club. He didn’t want to deal with a female-run or all-female employee team. I think that to The Boys’ Club, any challenge a woman brings forth feels ‘difficult,’ like you’re dealing with your wife. There’s an unstated belief, It’s just easier to work with men.
The crazy part is that by 39 I started to believe that I was just ‘too much’ for a man and despite my desire to marry, I would remain single.
What a terrible lie I told myself.
What terrible lies are inferred upon women in the professional world.
The Feminine Woman in all her Natural Beauty
On the third date with my now husband, we sat across from each other at a coffee shop discussing the philosophy of business. I made a point and he disagreed with me. I waited for it—for him to prove that he was right, and that I was wrong. But instead he just shook his shoulders and we went on with the conversation. It didn’t bother him that I had a different opinion. It didn’t make him feel insecure. His confidence in himself helped me feel secure enough to be me in his presence. That was one of the deciding moments of my life. I wanted to know this man more: The man who is the most boyish, masculine, lumberjack, intelligent, competitive man that also has a soft heart and brings me coffee in bed two flights up in the morning.
“You need to be with a passive man, Vanessa,” the mentor who betrayed me once told me.
He was wrong. In my strength, I would end up disdaining and disrespecting a passive man. Still, it’s not easy having two strong and opinionated personalities married to each other, but I would much rather be with a man who challenges me in a healthy way than a man who either dominates or cowers to my thought and opinion.
I recently heard Oprah state that failure refocuses our vision. It did mine. I don’t know that I would have been able to come back to my original vision of developing my own writing and platform had I not lost our leading client. That’s why I’m here, now, in this very moment, sitting and writing this article purely for myself—not as a ghostwriter for someone else, not to promote someone else’s platform or make someone else look grand—I’m doing it for me.
I am Woman. Do you see me?